February 17, 2009
College Hockey Provisions in Government's Economic Stimulus Plan

• Ceiling on allowable cash bonus delivered to player inside baseball cap set at $250.

• 50-50 drawing winnings immediately deposited into escrow account.

• Boston College fans can claim forwards 5-foot-6 or less as dependents.

• No Child Left Behind programs extended to include St. Cloud State.

• Wisconsin guaranteed entry into NCAA tournament because of Badger fans' proclivity to, uhh, lubricate the local economy.

• Prime interest rate tied to Cornell netminder Ben Scrivens' goals against average.

• Clarkson, St. Lawrence, Lake Superior State, and Niagara traded to Canada for cash considerations.

• Move to digital TV postponed until a camera is developed that can show an entire offensive zone of Mariucci Arena.

• Congressmen agree to make their publicity stunt bets twice as ludicrous when the Frozen Four visits D.C. in April.

• Infrastructure improvements. Yost Ice Arena. Match made in heaven.